PAINT!!!

Oh yeah! and check out the sick ass painting ive been working on all day yesterday. thats all i got so far. im gonna ad some color to it today... well after i wake up hella late.. hahah but yeah its gonna be finnished by the end of the day! im so excited!!! it felt really good to actually paint something on a real canvas... :D:D:D im so happy. it really kept me busy and i had so much fun drawing again.. its actually been months!!!!.. since my figure drawing class ended last semester.. YAY!!! I'll post the finnished look when its done niggas.

Here's a little close up of her face.

Old Faithful..

So i was listening to some songs i downloaded right now and i've found some new inspiration about how i've been feeling lately. Cheesy as this song kind of is.. i still like it.. haha



_________________________________________________________
I know how it feels to be on your own.
In this cruel world where hearts are bound to turn to stone.
Where you are alone..
And tired of breathing..
It's all going wrong..
And you just can't stand the pain any more..
You're too numb to believe in..
In anything..

Baby just don't close your heart.
Baby just don't close your heart.
Baby just don't close your heart.

Darling don't let me down..

I know how easy it is to let go.
Surrender to despair lurking at your door.
To lose your soul and all your feelings..
Strength all gone..
And so many things left unsaid..
And deeds undone..
You've stopped caring..
'Cause it's all in vain..

Baby just don't close your heart.
Baby just don't close your heart.
Baby just don't close your heart.

Darling don't let me down..

You are so alone..
And tired of breathing..
It's all going wrong..
And you just can't stand the pain..

Baby just don't close your heart!!
Baby just don't close your heart!!
Baby just don't close your heart!!

Darling don't let me down!!!!!!

Don't let me down!
Don't let me down!
Just don't let me down!!..
_________________________________________________________

I WONT let you down nigga..<3!

Why I'm still awake at 7:30 AM... I just don't know! lol

...

Ok i totally regret all that i said last post.. I need to step back and let him make his decisions.. If HE decides he wants to ruin us then thats fine... But i'm gonna try really hard to just believe everything he says and hope he's telling me the truth.. I have faith that we will pull through this and this will make us a stronger/closer couple in the end. I'm just gonna focus on me right now.. In school and try to find a job so he can be proud of me. YAY!

I'm in class right now and im trying to kill some time.. I have like 10 mins left! Right now were trying to gather as much info on our future careers. I emailed a couple graphic designers on DeviantArt.com cause i have to ask them some questions on how they got to where they are in their careers today.

I need some help.

So i've been having some trust issues with Ryan lately.. I can't get these ridiculous thoughts out of my head. I mean its everyday and the paranoia is really starting to piss me off. It all started with porn. I caught him twice and he said he was sorry, and that he didn't even like what he was looking at, and that im better than all of those bitches... and that he PROMISED he wouldn't do it again. "blah blah blah" was all i heard.. he was straight up lying to my face. So after that, i forgave him and went on with life. Everything was chill until i started noticing him lying more and keeping secrets from me. Like when he knew all along that our friend Alvaro was cheating on his gf. i felt hurt that he couldn't tell me. So i forgave that eventually too. Then.... the hugest disappointment in my life.. I found out that Ryan went to a strip club.. A WHOLE YEAR AFTER IT HAPPENED!!!! I was seriously blown away by the news. He went on a night where he was supposed to take care of me cause i was sick. I took care of him when he was sick.. so it was the least he could do. he came back from practice BEGGING me to go to TJ with his band mates or whatever. and me (stupidly trusting him) let him go.. leaving me crying, all by myself, sick in bed to go party. So a whole YEAR goes by... and i find out. How fucking STUPID am I? I trusted him!!! lol... that's how you get repaid for being a good girlfriend i guess..
"Yeah go ahead.. have a good time in TJ.."
Pshh.. Never Again....

So after finding out this devastating news.. My trust in ryan is totally and completely broken. I gave him ONE last chance.. but i cant trust him for shit now. And its HIS fault. I really feel like shit though cause it was always my goal to be the best girl friend i could be to him. i wanted him to think i was the sickest cause i would let him go out and chill and i never wanted to be the nagging type.. i never wanted to be controlling.. i wanted all his friends to be jealous and say "damn dude your chick is pretty awesome, mine never lets me do that shit" or whatever!!! I wanted him to be proud to have me as HIS girl. But now i dont know what to do dude.. I find myself starting to get mad when he wants to go chill without me.. UGHHH ...I never thought that our relationship would get like this. I started out very confident in our love for each other.. and now that confidence is almost slim to none.. and it hurts.. it really does. Now, very suspicious thoughts have entered my brain and its REALLY... pissing me off.. every day that he's not around, i think he's off doing something with someone. i mean... when you have SET days... where you KNOW your not gonna be seeing your girl friend.. its the perfect opportunity to cheat.. especially when your girl friend lives far. I don't like this whole.. Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and even Sundays.. no chilling.. I was only seeing him 3 times a week sometimes.. that's why i was getting paranoid.. I know he has class on mondays and wednesdays.. thats cool... i know he mainly talks to girls in his classes though... i can just imagine him trying to make them laugh..doing the dumb things he used to do to make me laugh...oh yeah! i know he's like best friends with some 16 year old bitch in his spanish class.. and they made a play skit where they fall in love.... AWWWWW.... how cute........ he better fucking delete her # and never talk to her again when this semester ends.. fuck that. so yeah.. shit like that starts to scare me.. she could live near him and want him to hang out after class one day.. and since he gives into peer presure so much, he could actually say YES!!! and of course not tell me.....lol well.. i hope not...

You have no idea how much i hate thinking things like this. but i cant help it. when all his friends are cheating on their girl friends and forcing him to lie to me, and he gives in to peer pressure SO DAMN EASILY... it scares me dude.. He has BAD friends... He really does.. Why would you associate yourself with assholes who are full of themselves that make you do shit that you dont want to do?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THATS THE QUESTION OF THE YEAR!!! hahahaha I know its like a huge thing for guys to show off and be the coolest and the manliest right? GOD... Male pride is such bullshit..
"I have to be cool so im gonna do what they say!!!!" PFFFFTTT!!! STFU already!!!
hahaha I can just hear them now..
"Nah i'm not gonna drink tonight you guys"
"C'mon Faggot!"
"Nah i cant"
"Ah what a bitch! Your girl got you on check or what? DRINK!!!"
"Nah.. i got shit to do tomorrow.."
"Ah what a fag.. your out of the band!"
"Hahaha alright fine!!"

HAHAHAHAHA!!

Why cant he hang out with good people with goals and morals and bring him up..people who actually HELP you with shit and give you GOOD advice!!!!!!.. All his friends do is drink and bring each other down and make each other do shit to prove themselves to each other...
I DONT KNOW!!!! FUCK THEM is all i have to say...
BE STRONG AND THINK FOR YOURSELF!!!!

Well.. I'm hoping this summer will fix everything.. cause i know we will have more days to chill with each other. And i'm really looking forward to trusting him again.. i know both of us will be really happy. I just hope he dosent take advantage when i do trust him again... lol It will be OVER if another incident like that one happens again.. SO BE CAREFUL... STOP LYING...IF YOUR GOING TO DO SOMETHING THAT CAN PRETTY MUCH END OUR RELATIONSHIP... BE A MAN!!!! AND TELL ME THE DAMN TRUTH AT LEAST!!!!!!!!!
LOLOL!!

YOU CAN DO IT MY LOVE!!!!<3<3 hahaha