HAHAHA

OMG! I've always loved this guys stories!!! They're so funny. Its been a long time since ive checked up on his art and shit though. hahahah






Friday night, we find our hero- Alex Casteels walking down a busy road in Fuengirola. It's 21:30, in other words perfect timing considering I have set 22:30 as the actual meeting time with my girlfriend: 'The Finnish Girl'. I turn left, and walk into a Karaoke Bar. 'Karaoke Bar?' My trusty readers wonder. - Yes, Karaoke Bar, I've been going there for about seven years now and happen to have gotten fairly close with the owner, who also happens to share the same mother language. The owner, a woman called Chris, spots my arrival and starts preparing me a Whiskey-Cola immediately.
I take a seat at the same table I've been sitting at for seven years. (Hell, even the same chair.) It's not some obsessive compulsive disorder or anything, it's just that that particular table happens to be perfect in every way imaginable. It has a couch right next to it, a mirror across from my seat (ideal for secretly staring at people and checking hair status), it is the furthest away from the awful singing, provides optimal views over the entire establishment, it's right next to the actual bar and close to the bathroom without being too close so it becomes annoying. Chris walks up to me and says- 'Well, well – You're looking absolutely amazing tonight Alex'. (The conversation is obviously taking place in Dutch but it will be translated for the readers convenience.) She serves me my drink, 2 for 1 since it's happy hour.
-'Ye,' I reply.
She sits herself down and starts the conversation, something about her ending up in the hospital the night before after drinking 12 Red Bulls. I'm not really listening to her for multiple reasons, one of them being that I really hate people who tell me crazy- “Oh dude, I like had so many Red Bulls.” stories and the other reason being that I was busy analysing the crowd.
We have the typical worn out old man sitting by the bar ,staring blankly at a tall glass of alcohol. A group of total bitches, dressed up in matching outfits – probably on some kind of hen night. The couple staring at each other silently even though you can both clearly hear them think- “So this is it then huh, this is the person I'm meant to spend the rest of my fucking life with...” The touristy family who will most likely get mugged this very night. A man desperately trying his luck with some kind of pub gambling machine. An awesome guy sitting with the owner, drinking Whiskey-Cola's and so on and so forth.
I momentarily focus back on the conversation with Chris, who is still yapping on - "...and, I told him, Marco, I said, this is the last time you crawl in that piping hot oven, you hear?!" I'm not really finding it very interesting so I turn off again and watch the action on the street. A black man walks by dipping a piece of fried KFC chicken in a banana & watermelon smoothy, an over weight shirtless Spaniard walks by with an enormous ' Paella ' tattoo on his chest mumbling: ' Paella, paella, and more paella.' I get the weirdest feeling of deja-vu... Suddenly my phone rings, 'Wim Casteels' (aka my dad.) the screen reads. 'Oh Jesus, what now?', I quickly pay Chris for the drink and wave her away. Go tell someone else your god damn Red Bull bullshit, you crazy bitch.
-'Hello?!' I scream.
-'Alex, it's your father...
- …
- …
- …
- 'Hello?!'
- 'Alex, it's dad...'
- 'Yes, I can see that on my phone screen. What can I do for you?'
- 'Me and your mother have agreed that we don't want you sleeping in the car out there tonight, it's too dangerous.'
- 'I'm 23, I'm pretty sure I can take care of myself.'
- 'Yes, we saw that last time when we found you shirtless out there, in the car with a broken nose,your €700 camera stolen and the Jaguar emblem ripped from the hood of the car.'
- 'Entirely different circumstances.'
- 'You heard me, we expect you back here at a reasonable time.' “Click.”
I quickly re-dial his number, wait for an answer and say 'No.' “Click”
Hundred percent satisfied with myself I lean back in my chair and take a proud sip from my drink. My God, I still haven't had a cigarette! I quickly correct this and light up.
Some guy, who's job title it is to sing when no one else is singing has been extremely busy bastardizing some absolute classics and I'm insanely worried he will destroy David's Gray's – 'This Years Love' tonight. I decide to make a little prayer asking God to please make sure this doesn't happen. I'm not even half way through this prayer when I hear the guy go: 'Check, Check, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, And now! David Gray- This Years Love!' I stand up, walk up to him, move close to his ear and whisper: 'If you dare sing this song I will call my good friend N'goko to carve a god damn banana in your face with his machete. You understand?' The exotic sounding name in addition to the words: banana and machete have turned the man as white as a corpse and he carefully puts the microphone back in its place, sits down very slowly with his hands up in the air and says: ' Please no, Please no, Please no.'
Since I'm on my feet now anyway I walk by the bar for another Two for One - Whiskey Cola. I place the order and put the correct amount of money down.
- 'It's not €5.50 any more Alex,' Chris says- 'Happy Hour finished half an hour ago.'
- 'It's always Happy Hour for me, unless you would like me to call up my good friend N'goko and...
- 'OH GOD!' She yells, absolutely terrified 'No! Please, I didn't mean what I said, of course it's still Happy Hour for you!' White as a ghost, she prepares me my drinks in record time.
A few moments later, I'm sitting at my table and look at my watch, twenty minutes to go. If ever there is a good time, for a quick visit to the rest room- It is now. I walk down the stairs and into the men's room. Further proof there is no God, out of the three urinals, only the middle one is free and there is no turning back now. As all three of us are standing there, the guy on my right suddenly goes: 'To me, personally there is nothing better than standing here in the John, next to a sweet little boy like you.'
There is an eternal feeling silence that follows those hard hitting words. I can hear myself swallow in slow motion as I attempt to focus on the wall tiles right in front of me. Think of something else, think of something else, just pretend you don't speak English and didn't understand any of that nasty talk. I can feel the guy's eyes are still watching me and now the guy on my left whispers: 'Oh ye, that's exactly what I like... Oh ye, that's exactly what I like...'
I'm starting to sweat now, having received crystal clear confirmation I'm standing in between two absolute monsters. I quickly try and regain focus and concentrate on the graffiti, on the wall in front of me. “Nico+Maria”, “This place is da bomb”, “UK 4 Life”, suddenly the messages take a turn for the worse with material such as- “Watch out for those 2 animals!”, “My life will never be the same again...”, “HELP!” etc.
In one swift motion, almost impossible for the human eye to catch, I reach out to the light switch and press it, turning the whole room in complete darkness whilst I scream- RAPE! Swinging my arms around as hard as I can and sprint out of there. Both out of the bathroom and out of the Karaoke Bar.

Moments later I'm standing by a kebab place, waiting nervously for this Lebanese guy to finish his nonsense about their high quality meat and how exactly it differs from the 'lesser' kebab places. He keeps handling the kebab with his giant paws and I'm slowly starting to get fed up with this guy. This is ridiculous, eat it yourself you filthy fucker.
I tell him I have changed my mind and I don't want it any more. As I walk away I can hear him scream something about Allah's wrath and how I will get 'cut in two like a moterfuker' if I ever dare come there again.
I turn around momentarily and say- 'Shush Kebab!' The crowd laughs.
I walk down to Bogards, which some of you may remember as the location of my previous date. I sit myself down in a sofa and quickly order a Chivas Regal 25 which calms me down almost instantly. What an odd beginning to the night.

I take a sip from my drink and light up a new cigarette, someone behind me suddenly says: 'Hey Baby, like fuky fuky long time baby?'
An Asian girl is standing there behind me eating some egg fried rice.
- 'Whats, yow name baby!' she continues.
- 'John Dubov, what's yours?'
- 'My name Madeintaiwan baby!
- 'Your name was made in Taiwan?'
- 'No baby, my name: “Madeintaiwan.”
- 'Nice to meet you Madeintaiwan.'
- 'So, you weady for good time baby, good time! I love you long time!
- 'Interesting offer but unfortunately you're not exactly my type Madeintaiwan, you see I like girls with nose, not with it cut off.
- 'Faiw enough.' She accepts defeat and walks off to her next target.

As I sit there enjoying a familiar glass of Chivas Regal 25 I check my watch, my date is late. Those words weren't even cold yet and there she appeared, from around the corner – looking great.
'Hey Johanna!' I say.