So i'm FINALLY home alone right now.. Everyone had stuff to do today and i just wanted to be here by myself for once. Theres so much going on with me but i really dont feel like complaining about it. Everything is just shitty.. thats all im going to say. I just need something to DO! I'm so glad Ryan bought me THE SIMS 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's so awesome and fun, i've been playing it non-stop since i got it. Thats pretty much all that keeps em occupied. I need a hobby though.. SERIOUSLY! i wanna paint of draw something but i lack the inspiration, and materials.. I wanna sew.. but i STILL dont have my sewing machine.. I think im gonna start playing guitar maybe... theres nothing else to do. its so hard though and i know i suck at everything i do. I feel like going to a party or something.... if Ryan gets to go out and "do whatever he wants" then i should be able to too!.. next time i get the chance im getting crunk.. and i dont care if i get crazy and beat the shit out of someone... i'm gonna fucking enjoy myself for once.... its not fairrrrr! I WANNA GET OUT!!!!!! i just wish i coulf have ONE fucking friend who can pick me up and just take me out! I just wanna smoke weed every single day now so i can get through these months... but if i do that i'll never get a job... I feel so trapped. Since Ryan says to me he wants to do whatever the fuck he wants then i'm going to too.. I'm gonna start smoking ciggs again or something.. i dont like that he goes out drinking and smoking without me all the time now.. so im not gonna listen to him when he tells me he dosent want me to smoke those.. I need some fucking freedom too!!!! why is it that whenever i tell him i dont want him doing something, he says it makes him wanna do it anyways or some shit.. and when he dosent want me to do something.. i end up listening to him.. like when i wanted to throw up for a while to loose weight.. he said no and i listened... he said its not good for me.. well drinking and smoking 4 or 5 times a weeks isnt good for you either so fuck off!!
Anyways.... lol
i need to get my ass a job.. so i dont have to rely of Ryan for everything. i know he's trying hard but its not enough.. I need to buy things.. I really do.. My happiness is deteriorating more and more every single day and theres only so much i can take.. i need to give him a break. he needs to relax and i know he's stressing out too. *Sighhh* its just so hard right now. hmm.. i wonder if this counts as a long distance relationship..
A part of me wishes we could get kicked out of this place so we can go back south.. but i know that if that happened.. we would have no where to go. :( I just need to be strong and patient for a while....... when i get a job i'm gonna save up so i can get my own place..... with or without ryan... since he has to wait a whole damn year.. maybe i'll move into edwins by myself...... i dont know..
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